Boys need their fathers. The next best thing? A whole team of adults.
This changemaker lost his father. Now he’s standing in for other absent fathers.
Bivian “Sonny” Lee III has only a few memories of his father, Bivian Lee, Jr., who played cornerback for the New Orleans Saints in the 70s. Sonny was just 3 when his father died of a heart attack at age 36. His final memory is of a chaotic scene: a loud thump, his mother’s desperate cries, and his father gasping for air at the bottom of the stairs.
Though Lee’s family was economically stable, the void left by his father’s death was ever-present. “When you're a boy going through junior high and developing into a young man, that's the time when you really need your father,” Lee said. Lacking his father’s guidance, he often found himself in situations he didn’t know how to navigate. “I just kind of sat on the side even in high school.”
He first attempted to play tackle football as a high school freshman but froze during a critical play, allowing a touchdown. “I remember being embarrassed,” he said. “My friends were calling me toast.” He never played football again. Lee believes his father’s presence would have made a difference in building his confidence and teaching him the nuances of the game.
Similar scenarios played out over and over again through his teenage years. There were so many things he didn’t know how to do that others seemed to do naturally — like how to behave in the locker room, how to change a tire, or how to relate to adult Black men. When he attended a private all-Black male high school, it was his first experience interacting with Black men who set daily expectations for him. Even their mannerisms were new to him because he was raised mostly by women.
Lee described himself as “just kind of being lost” during adolescence. In 2011, his experiences inspired him to found Son of a Saint, a New Orleans nonprofit dedicated to cultivating mentor relationships that support boys who have lost their fathers. Each child has a case team and a personal mentor through middle school, high school, and beyond. The goal is to provide them with stable relationships and male role models. The relationship makes the difference — having a personal connection to at least one adult man who believes in them and helps them reach their full potential.
“I see that 14-, 15-year-old kid that may not have the confidence or be shy or doubtful about himself,” said Lee. “I want him to have that confidence and to move forward and not miss out.”
This Father’s Day, we’re celebrating the immeasurable influence fathers have on their children’s lives by exploring the tremendous effort that goes into filling the void some fathers leave behind.
Fatherlessness contributes to all other social issues
For 31% of boys in the United States, Father’s Day isn’t much different from any other day. These boys are growing up without their biological fathers. Of the 350 boys currently enrolled at Son of a Saint, 70% have lost their fathers to violence. Another 20% have fathers in long-term incarceration.
Fatherlessness is a pressing societal issue that contributes to poverty, substance use, education struggles, and crime. Boys without fathers are more likely to act out, struggle academically, and have difficulty maintaining jobs as adults. They also have higher rates of incarceration; 71% of those who drop out of high school and 75% of men in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes.
By contrast, for boys involved with Son of a Saint: 100% graduate high school (compared with the 75% local average), 100% of graduates enroll in post-secondary education or work in career-pathway jobs, and none of Son of a Saint’s 16- to 19-year-olds are unemployed or out of school (compared with the 15% local average).
Mentors are more impactful when supported by a team of experts
Lee has long appreciated his mother and those who supported him and helped him become the successful adult he is today. At 29, he read a news article about a boy who murdered another boy and realized how fortunate he was.
“Two lives destroyed,” he said. “I did some research, and they had both lost their fathers to death — one in prison and one outside of prison. I was very fortunate through my experiences leading up to that point. So I decided I wanted to give back in a meaningful way, on the preventative side for boys that are growing up without their fathers.”
A previous mentoring experience had left him unsatisfied. The organization expected mentors to do everything on their own. “They paired me with a mentee on a Thursday, gave me the number to the kid and mom, and said to pick them up on Saturday,” he said. “No training, no support.”
“As a mentor taking on a kid that has many challenges, you're taking on everything,” he continued. “Challenges with school, with abuse, with lack of clothing, and food insecurity. You have all these things that a mentor is not necessarily equipped to handle.”
Lee used lessons from his earlier experience to design Son of a Saint, where each child gets a case team, including a case manager, mental health specialist, education coordinator, and volunteer mentor. While the mentor carries a heavy load and nurtures the primary relationship, the case team supports him in difficult situations.
“If a boy has an issue at school, the case team can get together and really talk about what is needed and how to make adjustments,” said Lee. “How do we communicate with them when they come into the building? What's going on at home? The team comes up with a plan and follows that.”
Beau Martin has been a mentor with Son of a Saint for 10 years. In that time, he has supported three young men he considers part of his family — though it hasn’t been easy. “I can't imagine doing this alone,” he said. “There've been countless situations I’ve been able to turn over to the Son of a Saint team and staff. Sometimes it's just advice, or maybe it's tutoring, or it's just informing them of what's happening, and I don't know how to handle it, or maybe I don't feel like I'm handling it in the best way.”
The team structure also bolsters a sense of stability for the boys. They know their mentors aren’t soloing it, that they’re supported by a team of experts. “The case team is their relationship to the organization,” said Lee. “They set the tone and expectations.”
How to pair mentors and mentees
Mentor pairs are carefully chosen. Boys accepted into the program immediately get a case manager and team, but mentors come later. First, boys are encouraged to attend various activities hosted by the nonprofit.
Zander Dunbar, 19, joined at age 9. Initially reserved, his first activity was a trip to Blue Bayou Waterpark, where he found everyone surprisingly kind and welcoming. Despite his usual reluctance to open up, Dunbar talked with others throughout the trip.
He continued attending events, unaware he was being observed. “We try to ensure those [mentoring] relationships are more organic,” said Lee. Staff observe new boys to see which mentor they naturally lean toward. “Usually, the kids gravitate towards a particular mentor.”
As soon as Martin and Dunbar were paired, they hit it off. Their first official mentor-mentee event was to attend a Louisiana State University football game together. “I don't know how he knew I really liked sports,” said Dunbar. “I'd never been to one of those [football games] in my life, so for someone to take me to something like that was really fun. It was so nice, and it was almost like an automatic thing. We could just have easy conversation. It wasn't really hard for us to talk or anything.”
After mentoring Dunbar for a few years, Martin also began mentoring Dunbar’s younger brother. Not long after, a staff member asked Martin to mentor a third boy, but he initially refused, worried he couldn’t fully dedicate himself to three boys.
A few days later, the Son of a Saint employee approached him again, and again Martin refused. “It’s just that you're really the only one he'll talk to,” the employee said. This gave Martin pause, so he started paying more attention to the boy, an 8-year-old named Brandon. Finally, he decided to have a one-on-one talk with him.
That conversation was mind-blowing for Martin. It was a rare moment when he had a clear view of the heavy baggage these boys collect at a young age. He brought Brandon into his mentee fold and never looked back.
Brandon is now a junior in high school. “He’s involved in athletics and wants no part of the gangs,” Martin said. “He's focused on his grades and taking ACT and SAT prep to get his scores up for college.”
Sadly, in the time Martin has known him, Brandon has lost cousins his age to gang violence. Martin has wondered about the impact his mentorship has had on the young boy and how Brandon’s life might have been different without it. “I can't answer that,” he said. "But it's scary to think about.”
The most important thing is this
Like Lee, Dunbar lost his father when he was 3. He and his dad were the only ones home. “I think my dad got a knock on the door, and then I don't think things turned out well with whoever he was talking with,” said Dunbar. “He got shot seven times.”
It was devastating. He attributes his less-than-welcoming attitude as a young boy to the trauma he experienced. “One day I woke up without someone being there,” he said. “For me as a kid, that's pretty shocking, and I guess that experience wasn't the best for me.”
Martin would never presume to be able to replace Dunbar’s father, but he’s trying to be everything a father should be to him and his other mentees.
“My father was amazing,” said Martin. “He's instilled those values in me of always helping others, putting people above yourself, and always being kind no matter what. He lived that type of life. … I want these boys to see me doing it the right way. I don't want to just tell them how to live. I want them to watch me do it the right way.”
“The relationship with mentor and mentee is crucial to success,” said Lee.
While all three of Martin’s mentees are widely different from each other, Martin has found that building his relationships with them usually boils down to one thing: “Consistently showing up,” he said. “They need somebody in their corner.”
Dunbar and his brother used to go to a lot of Son of a Saint activities with Martin, but now that they’re older, they prefer to just hang out with him. “I'm pretty sure he fulfills the father figure for me,” said Dunbar. “If there's anything I need, I most definitely go to Mr. Beau [Martin].”
Martin has also been instrumental in the brothers’ relationship with each other. “He actually taught us how to be patient with each other and how to work with each other, even though we do compete a lot in almost everything we do,” said Dunbar.
Martin, who has two young children of his own, feels he has benefited from mentoring these boys at least as much as they have from him. The chief benefit? “Adding three family members to my life,” he said. “It's changed my life, and all three of them are awesome with my kids, and they're gonna be mentors to my kids.”
Dunbar, now a rising junior with a full-ride leadership scholarship at Tulane University, hopes he can give back to his community. A college athlete, he recently won a conference title for the 800m. He spends his summers volunteering at a leadership camp for young boys. He hopes to go to law school and pursue a career in civil rights law.
Lee wants all the boys to become happy, well-adjusted young men. “I hope that they're happy adults and get joy and fulfillment out of who they are and what they're doing every day,” he said. “Wherever they're living, I hope they give back to their communities in some way.”
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Son of a Saint is supported by Stand Together Foundation, which partners with the nation’s most transformative nonprofits to break the cycle of poverty.
Learn more about Stand Together’s efforts to build strong and safe communities, and explore ways you can partner with us.
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